Apocalypto: My Thoughts

Okay, I'll take a few minutes away from reading some scientific papers and tap this out. Almost two weeks ago, Cindy left me alone for a night (she was returning her mother) and I took that opportunity to watch one of the worst movies of our - or any - time. Mel Gibson's "Apocalypto." Within moments of pressing "play" on the DVD player, I knew that I was beholden to something so momentous that I had no choice but to take copious notes, so I could self indulgently share them on my blog. Because I know how much you all care. So here goes (bonus points if you've seen the movie, or better yet, print these out to read while you watch and can tell me which scene or event was occurring on-screen when I made a certain chicken scratch). BTW - Spoilers...Maybe.

• Alrighty then. This thing seems to be shot in that weird, Hi-Def "National Geographic" handi-cam style. Only as filmed by a retarded person.
• Oh no! Don't kill the tapir! (Most of you should know of my deep love of tapirs)
• Oh no! Don't eat the tapir's gonads! Especially not raw!
• That dude has armor made out of HUMAN JAW BONES! He wins!
• Now that they're all in the city...What in the hell is going on? Most confusing bit - the guy that's just standing there, slightly bent over, arms outstretched. What's that supposed to mean? BTW - were the guys covered in white powder mining soda lime (not lime soda!) or mountains of blow?
• I really have no idea what's going on in this city - but - I just saw a midget being carted around in a pack basket, so I'm cool.
• Oh! Mel Gibson is a sick fuck!
• Repeat! Mel Gibson is a sick fuck! Sorry for the strong language, but oh my goodness! Watch this movie and you'll know why I made the same comment twice in such short order.
• That fat ten-year-old needs to get his ass booted right off the top of that pyramid.
• This guy is THE LUCKIEST SOB EVAR!!!
• Of course that spearhead would come through his teeth. Thanks again, Mel.
• And...We have just hit critical mass for the amount of flabby man-ass that can be displayed in a movie not featuring Ron Jeremy.
• What's the deal with the necklaces?
• Dude. That is the most wrong thing yet. Ew.
• This guy is THE LUCKIEST SOB EVAR!!!
• Don't hurt the jag-yar, assholes!
• I've just paused the movie - as I've had to do about half the time I've written down a comment. Anywho...I hope (predict) that this guys head turns purple. You guess what just happened, and I'll answer the question in the next comment.
• Again with the necklaces! No purple head, open veins instead (hey...Catchy!). But...It is a bad omen! Really!
• Oh...No...He...Di'int!
• I'm going to take a moment aside from things here. Anyone remember the Bob Newhart drinking game? Well, I think that if someone watching this movie were to take a shot whenever gore, a lucky break for the main man, or flabby man-ass appears on screen, then...They would undoubtedly dump an entirely toxic amount of alcohol into their system before the movie is half over. Okay, unpause.
• I think that we just had our "Braveheart" moment! And then...more gore! But lets see how this here thing pans out...
• Ouch. Oooh. Ow. Rocks suck.
• What is the main man swimming through?
• Now that he's all covered in wet mud, will the Predator show up and fail to see him?
• Okay. That was neat.
• Are you kidding me? Spurting like that? You had me stoked until that happened.
• How is it that this cave thing is filling up with water so quickly exactly?
• Actually, I totally want the jaw bone armor guy to win right now. For real.
• I have been in the room when two infants have come into this world. And that was no damn newborn that just fell out of her. But kudos for having the squirt born before the climax (I'm guessing?). I kind of figured she'd be in labor just as the "final fight" starts to happen.
• Pause again - conjecture. The kids are bound to come back/show up, right? I would guess maybe they'll show up in time to come correct on a bad guy or two?
• Luckiest SOB ever. Here's some Spanish.

And...that's it. I'm a fan of horror movies - but all of the gore in this thing seemed so out of place, and was just disturbing as all get out.

I've got two or three funny videos I've been meaning to share, and maybe someday I'll post a few more pictures again. 'Till then, B...Out!