Cinematica Excrementa

Since James and Bryan both shared there thoughtful insights on movies they've seen recently, and I've been thinking about this stinker for the last week, I'll do likewise. I thought of it first, thieves.

Looking at the poster, over myeh<----, you can guess which movie has me so upset. If you're at all like me, the whole idea of this movie is somewhat intriguing - decent actors, time period, famous true-to-life mystery, etc. So why did it all have to suck so damn bad? I am writing this not because I think anyone will care, but on the offhand chance that someone is at the video store, side-by-side with significant other, trying to decide between this and, oh, say "Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector." Go with the fat redneck, because at least you'll get product that matches up with the quality. And I will have saved at least one soul from torment.

Prior to this, I had not seen any movie with Hillary Swank in it, even though everyone else has. All those preachy, awful looking, "meaningful" movies that everyone else gets sucked into, I don't buy, so I steer clear. I'd really rather get kicked in the nuts than watch anything that was green-lighted for the sole reason of winning an Oscar or some film festival prize. I'd rather watch the previously mentioned Larry The Cable Guy flick than some tripe like that. Now I'm a bit off topic. Okay, so everyone thinks she's a great actress. Not in this piece of work, that's for damn sure. I think there was supposed to be some 1940's starlet/glamour queen/Hepburn thing going on. The bottom line was that the funny unexplained accent and ridiculous dialogue, not to mention body language, made it all so silly. Like, leading lady in late night Cinemax soft porn silly. Point the first, done.

Well known mystery, well sure. Missed that mark, can we live with ourselves and make a period piece? No, but damn the torpedoes, we'll try. I can't imagine people at the time looking like, acting like, talking like, or over emoting like anyone on this film. This all came to a head for me when, towards the end of the film, Hillary Swank's character used the f-bomb at least a dozen times in the span of about three minutes. Now, my grandparents would have been about the same age at this time, and I can't picture any of them talking like that. For shame, potty mouth. Get that poop out of your mouth. Besides, everyone knows that the f-word was invented in 1973 at a lab in New Mexico, and therefore would not have been used by a horse-faced bisexual in the forties. Anachronism indeed.

The side stories are also garbage that you won't care about. I can't even expand on that statement, they're just that bad.

Finally, the mystery! I've watched A&E about this mess, it's an interesting story that goes to show that maybe there wasn't such thing as the good old days, and the mystery angle only makes it more compelling. But. Spoiler: They solve the freakin' mystery by the end of the film! In a completely stupid and unplot-twisty plot-twisty way. Garbage.

I guess what bugs me the most, and why I'm still worked up over this piece of cinematic offal, is that over the course of the holiday break I watched many movies. Some were good, some were bad, some were okay. Some were as good or as bad as I thought they would be, some were better. This is the only one that was much, much worse. And most infuriatingly, it looked like it should have been a good flick.

As a reward for anyone that made it through all of that, here's a picture of Bob Goulet.
PS: Speaking of things that have knocked around in my head for a while, the title is something
I came up with months ago. It had a different thought behind it, originally, but seemed to fit here.