I Use Words That Mean "Poop" A Lot When I Speak Or Blog. What's With That?

Before I ramble on and shoot my mouth off, here's some long-awaited kid pics. You're welcome, mom.

I only wish that the cool 3D here's your unborn child looking like a skinny old man pictures didn't make such huge files when scanned (maybe it's all the pixels?) so I could have it up here instead. They're neat. If the 3D images are to be believed, Cindy will be giving birth to Emperor Palpatine in a few months.

Here's C-Man showing us how happy he is to be playin' in the snow-woh. I think this was New Years Eve.(?)

Here I am showing 'em how it's done, and getting a face full of snow while I do it. Not shown : Face full of snow.

Here's the boy and I, mere seconds away from crashing into some brush, if memory serves.

Master-C, makin' a snow angel. It took a few attempts, and a few examples, before the concept was understood.

Christmas morning, time to rip and tear until your fingers bleed!

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank James for the awesome Playmobil pirate ship, which contained many small pieces, most of which have been picked up from around the house dozens of times, some of which have found themselves into the perfect spots to stab an errant foot in the dark at one time or another, and one of which was driven into the back of my neck by and excited 2 year old earlier this week. I'd also like to thank blogger for its shitty formatting flaws which prevented me from putting these pictures up here the way that I wanted to, and ultimately gave me a headache even as I resigned myself to the fact that I'd have to do it this way. Bravo!

Finally, here's the "meat" that I wanted to share with the few who care. As if my posts ever contain any protein or anything else useful to chew on.

Let me preface by saying that I try to stear clear of much political discussion on my blog because:

1. I think 99.9% of active politicians today, on both sides of the fence, are greedy, self serving power hoarders who have little interest in either the plight of the common man or upholding any sort of values or morals.
2. I don't think something as silly as a blog, no matter how large its readership, is going to change enough people's minds to actually cause a shift in the current system. I can see that shift happening, but I don't think it's going to be brought about by my, or anyone else's, poorly informed, near incoherent rambling - there's an awful lot of white noise that one would have to listen to in order to get near any kernel of truth.
3. Why bother spewing venom in the first place instead of actually trying to make a change? We have the sacred power of the vote that allows us to do something with our opinions. Even though I'm frequently told that my opinions are incorrect in the social climate I inhabit, I'll still exercise my right and make my decisions based on the values and morals that I hold, that cannot be dictated to me by anyone, ever.

So here it is. Today, upon reading a close friend's blog, I came across a certain nugget (I use nugget here because I think this certain nugget is...Well, a nugget of crap). This is a person who, although I don't always see eye to eye with, I consider to be reasonably well informed and I do value his opinion and consider him a friend. To each his own. But this bothered me:

Conservatives don't care. They hate the present, they fear the future. The past is their only refuge, and for all its uglinesses, at least one thing about it is inarguable: white men were in charge. White men could do anything they wanted. White men ran the world. They could grab the secretary's ass and beat up any faggot they came across with impunity. Niggers and spics kept to their places, by God. And everybody wished everybody else a Merry Christmas and they damned well liked it, too.

Conservatives are the stereotypers, so let's stereotype them. Is that what I'm supposed to walk away from this with? Clever thinking, fellas. I guess it's pulled from here, but after reading that, I couldn't bring myself to read the linked post. I'll leave anyone else to comment on the seperate innacurate points found in that passage alone and just say that what bothers me the most about it is that, at least in the scientific, pseudo academic environment I currently inhabit, the general populist opinion is that the conservatives and Republicans of the world are the ones who do the stereotyping, that can't see in shades of gray but only black and white, and are incapable of placing themselves in someone elses shoes. What a load of shit. This one paragraph pretty much encapsulates everything that enrages me about the current climate in this country. On one hand, you have whiny, preachy, self serving shitheads that characterize anyone with opinions the least bit different from their own as evil, misinformed minions of satan incapable of forming a rational thought, and on the other hand you have whiny, preachy, self serving shitheads that characterize anyone with opinions the least bit different from their own as evil, misinformed minions of satan incapable of forming a rational thought.

Let me drum this up a different way, by quoting my gut reactions to "well written, informative" excrement such as the preceding quote:

Liberals care about the wrong things. They would rather ensure that any child-killing rapist is taken out of prison and given a second chance because they were either mistreated as a child or to messed up on drugs to know what they were doing than give them what they deserve. It wasn't their fault, right? We should all be given equal rights, but no one should have to die for them anymore, especially if it happens to be in a country that has oil, or practices the muslim faith. If we do anything in those countries, no matter what has been done to us, or what good might be at the heart of anyone involved at any level in the fight, it's only done to line the pockets of some politician. And those politicians with their money bags filling up? They're obviously only in politics for the money and power. No Democrat politician would ever behave in such a way - pushing their own agenda to better their investments. We should all strive for change, as long as change means more taxes, and helping out those who have no desire to help themselves.

Asinine, right? I, of course, think that's a complete distortion of things, and although I'm sure that there's some rebel flag waving numb-nuts somewhere who would agree whole-heartedly with what I just said, I think both of those little excerpts are complete and utter bollocks. I would urge anyone, anywhere, to stop dealing in absolutes - we're none of us Sith, anyhow - and hop on the reality trolley with me so we can take a trip out of crazy land. Suffice to say, if you're either far left, or far right, you're completely batshit insane.

In closing, I want to say that I enjoyed the arguing that was going on between myself and said friend, so here's an open invite for anyone in blogland to leave a comment telling me what a complete and total asshole I am.

Does zombie Orville scare the shit out of anyone else the way he scares me?

PS: I apologize for spelling and grammar errors. One of the bugs blogger still needs to work out is not effing up the pictures you've so carefully downloaded, placed, and formatted when spellcheck is run!

Q: (I Get Asked This One A Lot) How Do You Keep From Going Crazy While Doing The Same Thing Every Day, Brandon?

A: Mostly I draw pictures of robots.

I didn't have any great ideas for a post, and I still haven't found the gumption to sit down at the computer at home and upload recent pictures and the creepy/cool 3D ultrasound images of #3. Then I read Bryan's latest blog entry, and I had so much to say that I couldn't just clutter up his comment section, so "allow me to retort." Also, I would imagine that most of this will be boring, self indulgent tripe, so feel free not to read it.

WORST:

Monster House: I actually kind of liked this movie. Then the holiday break started, and I was forced to watch it approximately 2 dozen times. Connor wanders around muttering "House" until we either put it in the player, or hold a chloroform soaked rag in front of his face. It's gotten to the point that Cindy and I have to spell out anything that rhymes with "House" to avoid exciting him. And yes, this get's tricky after dinner on Tuesdays as one of our favorite shows is about a crotchety doctor with a bad leg.

DaVinci Code: Bryan, I am SHOCKED. SHOCKED. S-H-O-C-K-E-D that you found the novel a pleasurable read at all. I'll grant that there were some intriguing topics breached in the course of the story, but the writing was deplorable. Why in the name of a Viking's beard did every single chapter have to end on a cliff hanger? And then, once Tom "I used to be on 'Bosom Buddies'" Hanks started doing press with that awesome mullet, I knew to avoid it at all costs. So while I haven't actually watched, I'll agree that it's one of the worst films of last year.

Pirates Of The Caribbean Part Two: Yo Ho Ho And A Bottle Of Rum: I'll admit that this wasn't anything profound, but worst of the year? If nothing else, I was entertained for two hours, and I was able to walk out of the theatre with a hypothetical floating in my head. If Davy Jones was real, and I ate his head, would it taste like calamari?

Invincible: I am surprised that this was watched by anyone, let alone a close friend of mine. As if feel good movies about possibly fictitious events in possibly fictitious character's athletic careers don't usually turn out bad enough, this one had Marky effing Mark in it. Didn't we all learn our lesson with "Planet Of The Apes?"

X-Men 3: I'm still under the impression that if a movie is adapted from a comic book, video game, or television show, and watching it doesn't make you want to hunt down and murder at least one person involved with it's making, then it's a success. So again, while definitely not a thought provoking flick, and not anywhere near the strongest in the franchise (that would be X2), still not a bad waste of a couple hours.

You, Me, and Dupree: There is one reason, and one reason only, that this movie should not be on anyone's worst list. After being bombarded with all the press, tabloid fare, and smarmy photo ops, not to mention simple knowledge of actors involved (Matt Dillon? Has he ever been in anything good?), and the worst title in film making history...It didn't actually make me want to open up a wrist while watching. I even laughed a couple of times.

BEST:

Nacho Libre: You know how, throughout our academic careers, there was always that one kid that you'd have a class or two with that had some remark to make whenever there was a pause in the instructors speaking, and even though every once in a while the jerk would say something that was so funny you'd be crying from laughing so hard, most of the things that got shouted out were so embarrassingly irritating that the end result was that every time you saw their fat, unkempt mug, you wanted to smash your knuckles into their sweaty throat? That pretty much sums up how I feel about Jack Black. I'll give him "High Fidelity", and even "School of Rock," but there's just no way in hell I would watch him strut around in tights doing a bad Mexican accent.

Clerks II: I've got this at home and can't freaking wait to watch it. BTW, that song is "Goodbye Horses" and if anyone wants a copy of it so they can do a little pooky dance for their significant other, give me a shout out and I'll send you a "mix tape."

Rocky Balboa: I don't know. I just can't see it. I watched the original "Rocky" a year or so ago, and found myself cringing through the first half of it (Stallone really couldn't act back then), and then getting pumped for the last half of the movie. I can't imagine that the same character, 30 years on would be that compelling, but I could be wrong.

Superman Returns: Actually, I fell asleep while watching this. It was that riveting. But, being the parent of an almost nine year old boy, I'm sure that we'll end up owning a copy, and maybe I'll like begin to like it somewhere around the 19th viewing.

Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby: If anyone, anywhere, does not like this movie, well, then...

Beerfest: You are correct, sir. I made it through about 20 minutes of this movie before having to get up and have a beer. Also, Donald Sutherland's method of ending it all was true death with dignity.

MI:3: I just can't bring myself to watch Thomas Mapother any more. Is it really worth it?

Little Miss Sunshine: While not a bad movie, I didn't think it at all lived up to the hype, and while somewhat enjoyable, I don't think it was among the best of the year. Although, come to think of it, there really isn't much else from '06 that would set any watchable movie as "best" from each other. So maybe anything worth admission price could be considered "best?"

'07:

Alpha Dog: Somewhere around my 4th viewing of the first episode of "The Barry Gibb Show" I stopped thinking of Justin Timberlake as solely a metro, boy-band weenie. So maybe he'll be a decent actor. BTW - find the videos for "The Barry Gibb Show" on youtube or somewhere else. They are genius.

Smokin' Aces: I don't care who's in it, or what it's about, that title sounds to much like every shitty movie that's ever been made in the attempt to make card games appear exciting to be any good at all. I do judge books by their covers, as well.

Black Snake Moan: Before I even knew what this was about I knew that a)Sam Jackson was in it, and b) "Black Snake Moan" is a song by Blind Lemon Jefferson, and I, therefore, have two good reasons to watch this film at some point.

Zodiac: Ever since"The Day After Tomorrow" I just can't take grinnin' Jake seriously. Too bad, because "Donny Darko" is a pretty rad flick, but I don't think I'd shell out to sit through anything he's starring in.

Grind House: A girl with an assault rifle for a leg? How can anyone stay away from this movie?

Spider Man 3: The trailers look great. But Spider Man 2 sucked so bad (and yet so many people see it as the pinnacle of action film making. But the acting and story were so crapulous), that I'm skeptical. I'll still see it, but I'll hope to be pleasantly surprised.

Ocean's 13: Again, Bryan, I'm surprised. I would have though that you would have seen Ocean's 11 as bloated and overworked as I did. I didn't even bother with Ocean's 12. come to think of it, I don't remember much of Ocean's 11, which goes to show how bland it was.

Fantastic Four: The Silver Surfer Makes You His Bitch: This looks hands-freaking-down awesome. I still have not watched the first movie - in spite of the fact that I've owned a copy of it for at least six months. The commercials for it when it was in theatres were bland enough to fail to pick my interest, but after seeing the previews for this new one, maybe I'll sit down and watch it this weekend.

Live Free Or Die Hard: I still don't understand what it is everyone like so much about this series. I like Bruce Willis - I think he has the rare quality of being able to take shit source material and make it watchable. I think he's got good tough guy charisma. But I still haven't been able to force myself to sit through all of Die Hard or Die Hard2. Die Hard3 I made it through because I was at a movie theatre and I think someone else bought my ticket. Still, meh. And what a ridiculous title. Will the marquee posters depict an eagle with a tear in it's eye?

The Transformers: While the pictures I've seen of the robots look great, I am very apprehensive about this. It kind of seems like too little, too late. And, with all of the crappy spin-offs that have aired in the last 15-20 years, I'm very sceptical that the magic that inhabited the original cartoon hasn't slipped off into the great beyond all together.

The Simpsons: Skeptical, but likewise, I too, will help give Matt Groening a paycheck for all the years of quality entertainment.

The Bourne Ultimatum: I like these movies, but having read the books, I wish that the film makers would have just given the movies and the main character a different name - no one would have noticed. There's only a scant few similarities between the books and the movies, and while books and movies are often different, these are so different as to be entirely separate stories. Kind of like with "The Last Of The Mohicans" Great book, great movie, but they should have just called the movie "Tan Danial Day Lewis Breaks Some French Shit Up."

Reno 911: Skeptical. Hilarious series, but I have a feeling something will get lost in translation.

Sin City 2: I absolutely loved the first one, and I'm sure I'll like this. But I'm a little worried that the best stories from the books have already been exhausted. As a side note, "Sin City" brings up good teenage memories of chillaxing at Steve's house. I remember flipping through those books and thinking "my mother would not allow me to own comics like these." I also seem to remember that there was far more to the Mickey Rourke (What the hell is the character's name again?) story line than what appeared in the film?

Cinematica Excrementa

Since James and Bryan both shared there thoughtful insights on movies they've seen recently, and I've been thinking about this stinker for the last week, I'll do likewise. I thought of it first, thieves.

Looking at the poster, over myeh<----, you can guess which movie has me so upset. If you're at all like me, the whole idea of this movie is somewhat intriguing - decent actors, time period, famous true-to-life mystery, etc. So why did it all have to suck so damn bad? I am writing this not because I think anyone will care, but on the offhand chance that someone is at the video store, side-by-side with significant other, trying to decide between this and, oh, say "Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector." Go with the fat redneck, because at least you'll get product that matches up with the quality. And I will have saved at least one soul from torment.

Prior to this, I had not seen any movie with Hillary Swank in it, even though everyone else has. All those preachy, awful looking, "meaningful" movies that everyone else gets sucked into, I don't buy, so I steer clear. I'd really rather get kicked in the nuts than watch anything that was green-lighted for the sole reason of winning an Oscar or some film festival prize. I'd rather watch the previously mentioned Larry The Cable Guy flick than some tripe like that. Now I'm a bit off topic. Okay, so everyone thinks she's a great actress. Not in this piece of work, that's for damn sure. I think there was supposed to be some 1940's starlet/glamour queen/Hepburn thing going on. The bottom line was that the funny unexplained accent and ridiculous dialogue, not to mention body language, made it all so silly. Like, leading lady in late night Cinemax soft porn silly. Point the first, done.

Well known mystery, well sure. Missed that mark, can we live with ourselves and make a period piece? No, but damn the torpedoes, we'll try. I can't imagine people at the time looking like, acting like, talking like, or over emoting like anyone on this film. This all came to a head for me when, towards the end of the film, Hillary Swank's character used the f-bomb at least a dozen times in the span of about three minutes. Now, my grandparents would have been about the same age at this time, and I can't picture any of them talking like that. For shame, potty mouth. Get that poop out of your mouth. Besides, everyone knows that the f-word was invented in 1973 at a lab in New Mexico, and therefore would not have been used by a horse-faced bisexual in the forties. Anachronism indeed.

The side stories are also garbage that you won't care about. I can't even expand on that statement, they're just that bad.

Finally, the mystery! I've watched A&E about this mess, it's an interesting story that goes to show that maybe there wasn't such thing as the good old days, and the mystery angle only makes it more compelling. But. Spoiler: They solve the freakin' mystery by the end of the film! In a completely stupid and unplot-twisty plot-twisty way. Garbage.

I guess what bugs me the most, and why I'm still worked up over this piece of cinematic offal, is that over the course of the holiday break I watched many movies. Some were good, some were bad, some were okay. Some were as good or as bad as I thought they would be, some were better. This is the only one that was much, much worse. And most infuriatingly, it looked like it should have been a good flick.

As a reward for anyone that made it through all of that, here's a picture of Bob Goulet.
PS: Speaking of things that have knocked around in my head for a while, the title is something
I came up with months ago. It had a different thought behind it, originally, but seemed to fit here.