S.O.S.

As in "Same Ol' Sh...eepdip." Yet again, I won't bother with any of the pictures in my flickr account, I'm just going to go ahead and talk out of my ass some more.

You Know What Pisses Me Off?

I don't generally watch "Entertainment Tonight," E-'Talk" (We get the canuck channels up here - which are often better than the 'Merican channels), "Inside Hollywood," or anything that airs on the "E!" channel. But I know far more about which d-list celebrity is married, engaged, breaking up, currently on drugs, having babies, vomiting in a gutter, selling crack, on crack, showing their crack, whatever than is healthy for anybody. You know why? Media freaking saturation, thanks to the internets and 157 channels on every TV in this glorious nation. Thanks to that, I know who these people and what their "roles" in "society" are:

• K-Fed
• Nicole Richie
• Paris Hilton
• Stavros Nachos
• Any spawn of the unholy Pitt/Jolie union
• Any spawn of the unholier Cruise/Holmes union
• LiLo
• Nick Lachey
• I wish I didn't have more names, but I do...

Why? I HATE that I even know the names of any of these people. The only mention we should have of any of them is if we're flipping past the TV guide channel at 3 am or past E.T. during a Jeopardy commercial break in time to catch a "Celebrity Birthdays" segment. (I never recognized any of the "celebrities" Mary Hart used to give a birthday shout-out too!). Remember the good old days, when this shit didn't happen? Back when pre-D. Bag Sean Penn would punch out anything that appeared to have a camera? I hope that there's a backlash, and we see the rise of the anti-star. Greg Graffin would be a good role model, although most Hollywood types would have to take up some serious book-learnin' to approach that guy's awesomeness. Also, can we get rid of Sean Penn, now that he's an over-exposer, but keep the moustache?

Things To Say Out Loud When You Have People In Your "General Vicinity" That Really Just Need To Get The "Eff" Out

• I am the key master...
• You look like you need a hug
• It's irritations like you that make me want to develop a nasty heroin addiction
• Ever see what happens when someone gets hit in the eye with laser light?
• (Wiggle finger in time) Danny isn't here, Mrs. Torrence.
• So, how 'bout that John Kerry (Or George Bush, Barbara Bush, FDR, or hell, the Mexicans, it doesn't matter)
• Wanna go next door and huff some CO2?

Lets All Go To The Movies

You know how there's certain movies that you remember for all time, some of which really sucked, and some that you just forget about even if you really liked them? One of the movies I had forgotten about is "Lean On Me." Good movie. But check out the quotes, and try to read them without putting any kind of context in your head, and they are A LAUGH RIOT. I am going to hell.

Seriously?

Is anyone, anywhere, really buying Jack Black as a leading man in a romantic comedy? Are you kidding me? Who's Hollywood trying to sell this shit to anyway? It's cool though. I'd rather set my nuts on fire then see a movie with that premise anyway.

Things You Don't Want Your Eight Year Old Son To Say At The Border Crossing When You're Coming Back From Montreal

• Dad, I can't hear that man you let ride in the trunk thumping around anymore. Do you think he needs some air?
• My tummy hurts. I think it's from all of those balloons you made me swallow.
• That was a great weekend. When can we come back and hang out with all those guys that gave us those free guns and white blocks again?
• Remember how you killed that drifter when we were walking back to the hotel after dinner? That was awesome!
  

I know damned well that not much of this was very funny. But one has to stay entertained while one is stuck in a dark corner all day, tending their fantastic machine, with an umbilical cord connecting them to a computer. What else am I supposed to do? Meth?